Last night I dreamt I was diagnosed with cancer and given exactly seven years to live. There was no way around it; no medications, no radiation treatments, no surgeries. Not even holistic remedies could save me. It is what it is. Ironically, I've been saying a lot lately that my life will truly begin in exactly seven years as that's when I'll become a 40 year old empty nester.
Having a baby early in life has its advantages as well as disadvantages. It hasn't been easy being a young single mom, that's for sure, but I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. While it absolutely helped my personal growth, it has also restricted me from pursuing some opportunities and taking certain risks. That's what I have been looking forward to the most about my daughter growing up and venturing out on her own - freedom; room for a tiny bit of irresponsibility, knowing I own everything that happens without it affecting someone else.
I envision letting go of everything; groundlessness. Not having to keep a home, not sitting all day at a desk, owning nothing but essentials that fit in a pack, exploring the world without time constraints. I want to have a grand send off, a trip for my daughter and I to share together for her high school graduation, to celebrate new beginnings in each of our lives. I'm not saying I wouldn't be there for her if she really needed me. I'm not disappearing into oblivion leaving her to flounder on her own, though I have a feeling Miss Independent will do just fine. It simply won't look or feel like a traditional family.
Ideally, I'll keep wandering forever, only stopping to rest and fully immerse myself in local culture. At some point, unfortunately, I will need money for travel/supplies. My first thought would be to befriend some amazing people along the way, learn new skills, and help with their trade to earn some cash. Being eternally grateful for everything, we'll exchange addresses (PO Box) for future pen pal writing before I move along to the next adventure. Rinse and repeat. Another option would be grant writing to National Geographic and similar companies to fund my explorations, discovering new land or wildlife on their behalf, but on my terms; photojournalism at its finest. Or maybe I could hold classes to educate those interested in leave no trace principles, holistic living, nutrition, etc. The possibilities are endless and that, to me, is so invigorating!
My dream, however, reminded me that life really can't wait. It's happening here and now, and can be unexpectedly revoked in an instant. So what can I do to feel alive and well, be passionate and authentically me in this moment? How can I appreciate where I'm at in life instead of wishing the years away to a time where I THINK I'll be happier? Can I incorporate this wanderlust infatuated self with my solely depended upon mommy alter ego? (Homeschooling is not an option. As much as we love each other, murder would be imminent.) More importantly, yet totally cliche, is there anything I'd wish I'd said or done should it be my time to depart?
Lot's to ponder.
