There's A Method To My Madness

Anyone else think New Year’s resolutions are a silly concept? Do you really believe that at the stroke of midnight on December 31st you are magically transformed into a better person, suddenly have the drive and motivation you lacked ALLLLL last year, or 2015 surprisingly offers more than 24 hours in a day? Not likely. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we can't change, that there's no hope for us, but why do we have to wait for the new year? Hell, why do we wait for next month or next Monday to start something? You're never going to be completely ready, it'll never be just the right time, and you certainly will never know everything. So what are you waiting for? If there's something you want bad enough, go for it. Now, not later! It may sound like I'm lecturing but this is really just a reminder to self. I need pep talks every now and again, don't you?

I'm also starting to question if goals are worth setting regardless of the time of year. It's almost as if you're telling yourself you're not good enough and that little successes don't matter because you haven't reached that final objective yet. They're also inflexible. What if along the way you decide it's not right for you or doesn't turn out exactly as planned, something happens that is completely outside of your control? Are you then a failure? That's what it feels like to me.

What I'm going to begin ASAP is to focus on the method, not the end result I desire. For example: I'm not in the same shape I was over the summer and my motivation for working out has yo-yoed. Right now I've got roughly eight pounds to lose and I don't want to be winded walking up five flights of stairs as I'm going to be climbing some major mountains next year. Instead of saying by March I'd like to be at my goal weight, I'm going to focus daily on being consistent with my eating habits and exercise. My body will eventually get to its own ideal weight - whatever that number may be (scales lie!!) - and I'll gain the strength and stamina needed for backpacking. Then instead of reaching a goal and saying, "Well, I hit my target guess I can stop now!" I've created a lifestyle habit for the long-term. Make sense? Progress not perfection!

One key ingredient from New Year’s traditions that I will absolutely continue to practice is reflection. In day to day life it's hard to see everything you're accomplishing as we tend to focus on petty details instead of the bigger picture. Looking back over the previous year will reveal to you all that has actualized - positive or negative. From there you can pat yourself on the back and maintain, kick yourself into hyper drive using that established momentum, OR have some serious inner dialogue on what needs improvement. Being aware is the first and most important step! 

2014 was a year of rebirth for me. There was a whole lot of self-discovery and fresh perspectives, while developing some progressive ideologies along the way. I've always been independent and very capable, but I never knew to what extent until now. After what I've been through I realize I CAN'T FAIL. No matter what, I will persevere. That's a great feeling when you're about to embark on some fairly risky, but potentially extremely rewarding, endeavors... 

Sorry, Wrong Number

Have you ever let someone get under your skin so badly that you're not yourself anymore? My ex had me so stressed out all the time that I became this really ugly, ANGRY, neurotic, miserable person. There wasn't any of ME left. Anyway, I bring this up because my phone had just updated to visual voicemail and there was a really old message saved from a number that was one digit off from my ex's which instantly took me back.

It was a fairly typical evening where I leave work, get my daughter from aftercare, help her with homework, prepare dinner and then we wait, starving, while it gets cold. It was requested (AKA demanded) that we all have family dinner together every night. Which I would have been perfectly happy with if he were consistent, or even came home for that matter. There was zero communication from him about his estimated time of arrival, and heaven forbid I ask about his day let alone try to ask when to expect him. I was constantly accused of being interrogative, even if all I said is hello when he walked in the door. This particular day I called because it was the night of Open House at my daughters school. No answer. I get a text 30 minutes later:

"WHAT!?"
"Will you be home soon? We'd like to eat before Open House."
"I'll be home when I get there."
"So are you coming to Open House? Should I wait for you or are you meeting us there?"
"What did I just say?"

This alone is irritating as fuck but compound everything else that had been going on for years and it's a recipe for disaster. I waited a bit, letting it fester, while trying to be patient to see if he'd show up before I needed to leave. Got my phone out and was scrolling on Facebook to pass time and, oh, there he is. His co-worker checked the two of them in at a bar. And while I'm looking at it a comment pops up from a girl that I've had suspicions about asking, "What, am I invisible?" You know those sayings, my blood is boiling, and, I've had it up to here? That's the best way to describe how I physically felt at that moment, followed by turning into the Hulk and wanting to SMASH everything in sight.

In my fit of rage, I was a bit dramatic and actually dialed his number, pounding the screen of my phone instead of just clicking his picture stored in favorites. I let it ring four times then hung up before his voicemail picked up and kept calling back over and over again until he answered. (OMG. Psycho, right??) When he finally picked up I didn't give him a chance to speak, knowing he'd just yell at me for being so obnoxious. I SCREAMED at him, every ounce of frustration from over the years came out, I called him every name you could possibly imagine and said some pretty fucked up things about him cheating on me (I later got confessions about my suspicions, BTW, wasn't all just me being crazy). And he says, "Who? What? Hold on, huh?" So I hollered at him to stop playing dumb and he started LAUGHING. But it wasn't my ex's laugh.

I was totally caught off guard and confused, I asked who it was but before he could answer I looked at the number on my phone. Oh, SHIT! It was the wrong number. I quickly apologized and hung up. A few moments later that number tried calling me back. I let it go to voicemail and his message was this, "Hey, why'd you hang up? This was just getting good! I'd like to know the ending, please call me back." HAHAHA Ughhhhh.

Listening to it just now was a great reminder of how awful that relationship was and what I will NEVER allow myself to get into again.

What's the point of rainboots if you won't step in the puddles?

Why do we continue to remove ourselves from everything that is natural? Do people not understand what we really are and where we came from? Don't get me wrong, personal hygiene and sanitation are necessary, but complete sterilization of every single thing can create just as big, or even bigger, issues than taking no precautions at all. It frustrates the shit out of me how "icky" things seem to be to everyone.

A patient came in that we needed to run a few tests on to customize their care, namely saliva and stool. Her reaction was, "You want me to do WHAT?"
"Spit in the tube."
"Eww. Isn't there something else you can do, that's disgusting."
"If you think that's gross, wait until I go over how to collect the stool sample."
"No way, I can't do this."
She has three kids so I said, "It's just like changing a diaper."
Again with the eww, that's gross. Then she proceeds to tell me she never changed any of her kids diapers, ever. I'm hoping there's an extremely patient husband or well paid nanny behind the scenes- but then, why have kids??

While volunteering at my CSA farm this summer, I had the chance to speak with a few of the students. They were harvesting lettuce heads so I asked if they were able to take some home and what they would make with them.
"You think I'm going to eat that!? Oh no, I'll buy my lettuce from the grocery store."
Hmm... "Ever wonder where the grocery store gets their lettuce from?"
"I don't want to know. I just know that by the time it gets there it's edible."
I ripped a leaf off the plant and shoved it in my mouth. "It's edible now, fresh; the best it'll ever get."
You would have thought I had snakes for hair like medusa they way they looked at me in disgust. Mind you, this is an agricultural high school with an educational farm - crops and livestock! Guess I should be happy they even eat lettuce in the first place.

I asked a friend if they'd like to go camping.
"By camping I'm assuming you mean condo on the beach, right?"
"No, I mean a tent on the ground in the woods."
"HA! You're always such a kidder, seriously though, what did you have in mind?"
"A tent. On the ground. In the woods."
"Oh. Umm... why? There are bugs and animals, and no showers... have you thought this through? I mean, you're paying to be uncomfortable."
Ugh, nevermind.

You'd think the rain here was straight acid the way everyone avoids it. It's WATER! You won't melt. And I know you purchased those knee-high Hunter boots because they're fashionable, but they're actually functional, too!

If you couldn't tell, I'm in desperate need of a break from this "reality." Going off the grid, building a tiny self sustainable tree house never sounded so good! I'll settle for a long weekend with feral ponies for now.