To Dream About Living

Last night I dreamt I was diagnosed with cancer and given exactly seven years to live. There was no way around it; no medications, no radiation treatments, no surgeries. Not even holistic remedies could save me. It is what it is. Ironically, I've been saying a lot lately that my life will truly begin in exactly seven years as that's when I'll become a 40 year old empty nester.

Having a baby early in life has its advantages as well as disadvantages. It hasn't been easy being a young single mom, that's for sure, but I wouldn't trade that experience for the world. While it absolutely helped my personal growth, it has also restricted me from pursuing some opportunities and taking certain risks. That's what I have been looking forward to the most about my daughter growing up and venturing out on her own - freedom; room for a tiny bit of irresponsibility, knowing I own everything that happens without it affecting someone else.

I envision letting go of everything; groundlessness. Not having to keep a home, not sitting all day at a desk, owning nothing but essentials that fit in a pack, exploring the world without time constraints. I want to have a grand send off, a trip for my daughter and I to share together for her high school graduation, to celebrate new beginnings in each of our lives. I'm not saying I wouldn't be there for her if she really needed me. I'm not disappearing into oblivion leaving her to flounder on her own, though I have a feeling Miss Independent will do just fine. It simply won't look or feel like a traditional family.

Ideally, I'll keep wandering forever, only stopping to rest and fully immerse myself in local culture. At some point, unfortunately, I will need money for travel/supplies. My first thought would be to befriend some amazing people along the way, learn new skills, and help with their trade to earn some cash. Being eternally grateful for everything, we'll exchange addresses (PO Box) for future pen pal writing before I move along to the next adventure. Rinse and repeat. Another option would be grant writing to National Geographic and similar companies to fund my explorations, discovering new land or wildlife on their behalf, but on my terms; photojournalism at its finest. Or maybe I could hold classes to educate those interested in leave no trace principles, holistic living, nutrition, etc. The possibilities are endless and that, to me, is so invigorating!

My dream, however, reminded me that life really can't wait. It's happening here and now, and can be unexpectedly revoked in an instant. So what can I do to feel alive and well, be passionate and authentically me in this moment? How can I appreciate where I'm at in life instead of wishing the years away to a time where I THINK I'll be happier? Can I incorporate this wanderlust infatuated self with my solely depended upon mommy alter ego? (Homeschooling is not an option. As much as we love each other, murder would be imminent.) More importantly, yet totally cliche, is there anything I'd wish I'd said or done should it be my time to depart?

Lot's to ponder.

There's A Method To My Madness

Anyone else think New Year’s resolutions are a silly concept? Do you really believe that at the stroke of midnight on December 31st you are magically transformed into a better person, suddenly have the drive and motivation you lacked ALLLLL last year, or 2015 surprisingly offers more than 24 hours in a day? Not likely. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we can't change, that there's no hope for us, but why do we have to wait for the new year? Hell, why do we wait for next month or next Monday to start something? You're never going to be completely ready, it'll never be just the right time, and you certainly will never know everything. So what are you waiting for? If there's something you want bad enough, go for it. Now, not later! It may sound like I'm lecturing but this is really just a reminder to self. I need pep talks every now and again, don't you?

I'm also starting to question if goals are worth setting regardless of the time of year. It's almost as if you're telling yourself you're not good enough and that little successes don't matter because you haven't reached that final objective yet. They're also inflexible. What if along the way you decide it's not right for you or doesn't turn out exactly as planned, something happens that is completely outside of your control? Are you then a failure? That's what it feels like to me.

What I'm going to begin ASAP is to focus on the method, not the end result I desire. For example: I'm not in the same shape I was over the summer and my motivation for working out has yo-yoed. Right now I've got roughly eight pounds to lose and I don't want to be winded walking up five flights of stairs as I'm going to be climbing some major mountains next year. Instead of saying by March I'd like to be at my goal weight, I'm going to focus daily on being consistent with my eating habits and exercise. My body will eventually get to its own ideal weight - whatever that number may be (scales lie!!) - and I'll gain the strength and stamina needed for backpacking. Then instead of reaching a goal and saying, "Well, I hit my target guess I can stop now!" I've created a lifestyle habit for the long-term. Make sense? Progress not perfection!

One key ingredient from New Year’s traditions that I will absolutely continue to practice is reflection. In day to day life it's hard to see everything you're accomplishing as we tend to focus on petty details instead of the bigger picture. Looking back over the previous year will reveal to you all that has actualized - positive or negative. From there you can pat yourself on the back and maintain, kick yourself into hyper drive using that established momentum, OR have some serious inner dialogue on what needs improvement. Being aware is the first and most important step! 

2014 was a year of rebirth for me. There was a whole lot of self-discovery and fresh perspectives, while developing some progressive ideologies along the way. I've always been independent and very capable, but I never knew to what extent until now. After what I've been through I realize I CAN'T FAIL. No matter what, I will persevere. That's a great feeling when you're about to embark on some fairly risky, but potentially extremely rewarding, endeavors... 

Sorry, Wrong Number

Have you ever let someone get under your skin so badly that you're not yourself anymore? My ex had me so stressed out all the time that I became this really ugly, ANGRY, neurotic, miserable person. There wasn't any of ME left. Anyway, I bring this up because my phone had just updated to visual voicemail and there was a really old message saved from a number that was one digit off from my ex's which instantly took me back.

It was a fairly typical evening where I leave work, get my daughter from aftercare, help her with homework, prepare dinner and then we wait, starving, while it gets cold. It was requested (AKA demanded) that we all have family dinner together every night. Which I would have been perfectly happy with if he were consistent, or even came home for that matter. There was zero communication from him about his estimated time of arrival, and heaven forbid I ask about his day let alone try to ask when to expect him. I was constantly accused of being interrogative, even if all I said is hello when he walked in the door. This particular day I called because it was the night of Open House at my daughters school. No answer. I get a text 30 minutes later:

"WHAT!?"
"Will you be home soon? We'd like to eat before Open House."
"I'll be home when I get there."
"So are you coming to Open House? Should I wait for you or are you meeting us there?"
"What did I just say?"

This alone is irritating as fuck but compound everything else that had been going on for years and it's a recipe for disaster. I waited a bit, letting it fester, while trying to be patient to see if he'd show up before I needed to leave. Got my phone out and was scrolling on Facebook to pass time and, oh, there he is. His co-worker checked the two of them in at a bar. And while I'm looking at it a comment pops up from a girl that I've had suspicions about asking, "What, am I invisible?" You know those sayings, my blood is boiling, and, I've had it up to here? That's the best way to describe how I physically felt at that moment, followed by turning into the Hulk and wanting to SMASH everything in sight.

In my fit of rage, I was a bit dramatic and actually dialed his number, pounding the screen of my phone instead of just clicking his picture stored in favorites. I let it ring four times then hung up before his voicemail picked up and kept calling back over and over again until he answered. (OMG. Psycho, right??) When he finally picked up I didn't give him a chance to speak, knowing he'd just yell at me for being so obnoxious. I SCREAMED at him, every ounce of frustration from over the years came out, I called him every name you could possibly imagine and said some pretty fucked up things about him cheating on me (I later got confessions about my suspicions, BTW, wasn't all just me being crazy). And he says, "Who? What? Hold on, huh?" So I hollered at him to stop playing dumb and he started LAUGHING. But it wasn't my ex's laugh.

I was totally caught off guard and confused, I asked who it was but before he could answer I looked at the number on my phone. Oh, SHIT! It was the wrong number. I quickly apologized and hung up. A few moments later that number tried calling me back. I let it go to voicemail and his message was this, "Hey, why'd you hang up? This was just getting good! I'd like to know the ending, please call me back." HAHAHA Ughhhhh.

Listening to it just now was a great reminder of how awful that relationship was and what I will NEVER allow myself to get into again.

What's the point of rainboots if you won't step in the puddles?

Why do we continue to remove ourselves from everything that is natural? Do people not understand what we really are and where we came from? Don't get me wrong, personal hygiene and sanitation are necessary, but complete sterilization of every single thing can create just as big, or even bigger, issues than taking no precautions at all. It frustrates the shit out of me how "icky" things seem to be to everyone.

A patient came in that we needed to run a few tests on to customize their care, namely saliva and stool. Her reaction was, "You want me to do WHAT?"
"Spit in the tube."
"Eww. Isn't there something else you can do, that's disgusting."
"If you think that's gross, wait until I go over how to collect the stool sample."
"No way, I can't do this."
She has three kids so I said, "It's just like changing a diaper."
Again with the eww, that's gross. Then she proceeds to tell me she never changed any of her kids diapers, ever. I'm hoping there's an extremely patient husband or well paid nanny behind the scenes- but then, why have kids??

While volunteering at my CSA farm this summer, I had the chance to speak with a few of the students. They were harvesting lettuce heads so I asked if they were able to take some home and what they would make with them.
"You think I'm going to eat that!? Oh no, I'll buy my lettuce from the grocery store."
Hmm... "Ever wonder where the grocery store gets their lettuce from?"
"I don't want to know. I just know that by the time it gets there it's edible."
I ripped a leaf off the plant and shoved it in my mouth. "It's edible now, fresh; the best it'll ever get."
You would have thought I had snakes for hair like medusa they way they looked at me in disgust. Mind you, this is an agricultural high school with an educational farm - crops and livestock! Guess I should be happy they even eat lettuce in the first place.

I asked a friend if they'd like to go camping.
"By camping I'm assuming you mean condo on the beach, right?"
"No, I mean a tent on the ground in the woods."
"HA! You're always such a kidder, seriously though, what did you have in mind?"
"A tent. On the ground. In the woods."
"Oh. Umm... why? There are bugs and animals, and no showers... have you thought this through? I mean, you're paying to be uncomfortable."
Ugh, nevermind.

You'd think the rain here was straight acid the way everyone avoids it. It's WATER! You won't melt. And I know you purchased those knee-high Hunter boots because they're fashionable, but they're actually functional, too!

If you couldn't tell, I'm in desperate need of a break from this "reality." Going off the grid, building a tiny self sustainable tree house never sounded so good! I'll settle for a long weekend with feral ponies for now.

Wayland Bootie, You WERE The One

Look. At. These. Boots.

Look at them!

Couldn't resist.

The temptation was too great.

Never did jump on the boots bandwagon. I rarely follow any of the latest trends, really. My wardrobe basically consists of my little sisters hand me downs, things I've picked up from consignment/second hand stores, and stuff I find on super duper clearance - I'm talking $6 or less! If they can come down that far in price, there's no reason it should have been "full price" in the first place. Plus, the feeling of wanting or needing something material (trivial, non-necessities), especially when I didn't even know it existed prior to me entering the store, disgusts me. But, I'm human and we all get sucked in from time to time.

My daughter and I only stopped at the mall in this case because it was across from the grocery store and we needed a gift for her friends birthday party that night, generally I avoid it like the plague. We parked outside of Nordstrom's, happening upon the shoe department on our way through. I noticed these bad boys out of the corner of my eye but just kept walking with my blinders up. Then I swear I heard them call my name so I did a double take; talking shoes would be quite impressive, especially psychic ones!

The trouble with having an almost 12 year old daughter is not only does she have a mind of her own, but she fearlessly expresses her opinion at every opportunity available. "Let's go in here! Can we look at that? Ooh, those are pretty! FEEL THIS! Mom, wait, this is the BEST!" I realize this is a time for her to learn about herself and what she does/doesn't like, what's important or not, etc. As impatient as I'm feeling lately, I usually suck it up and give her space to discover. So, we end up at H&M, Forever 21 and similar stores. Feels like I'm suffocating. She tries on EVERYTHING, jokes about being a high end fashion model, then struts through the fitting room with a Zoolander look on her face. That part was actually pretty funny. 

Here comes the, "...but I NEED it!" Well, no, you don't. You won't die if it stays on the hanger, right here in the store. "But, but, but!" And then she makes quite the compelling case, to me at least. "Nana [my grandmother] buys all my clothes, I don't get to pick them out, I hate them all, and I just don't feel like ME when I wear them. So, yes, a little of me is dying." Huh. If you've read my earlier posts you'd know how I feel about my controlling grandmother. While I'm not big on material possessions, what I wear absolutely affects my mood and confidence level, and I'm becoming more aware of this the further I dig into myself. Why would that not be true of her as well? Especially in middle school, with her hormones changing and all that other not fun puberty crap. Ok, ok. I bought her the plaid button up shirt dress and cream faux fur vest; she was ecstatic. 

As we were making our exit, I foolishly decide to check out those boots I eyed up earlier. Swoon! And then I look at the price tag. They're only about, oohhh 4500% more than I typically spend on clothing. OY. Instant heart attack! To make a long story short: As I'm in la la land checking myself out in the mirror, Bre tries to convince me NOT to get them because they're ugly and I have no style (translation = they're totally me!), and because I can't afford them. I CAN afford them, I just typically DON'T afford stupid shit like this. UGH. She sounded like an adult from the Charlie Brown cartoons. How dare she after that whole speech on why she needed that outfit earlier, anyway. It was complete reverse psychology. I never treat myself and am so in love with these boots! Within ten minutes I was practically begging the woman to take my money. 

I wore them around my house all afternoon, to the brewpub that evening, and around my house again doing chores on Sunday. Then I put them back in the box, back in the bag and hid them in my closet. Total buyers remorse. I went back and forth trying to decide if I should keep them, trying to justify this outrageous purchase and even asked a couple friends for advice who all essentially said I deserve it and to enjoy them. But after talking to my sister, who has zero income right now (it's her own damn fault and I'm pissed over this, but that's another story) and is depending solely on her boyfriends parents for food, housing and diapers for her baby, there's no way I can keep these boots. I may not be Mother Theresa but I do have a conscience; I would feel so guilty every time I put them on. Sorry, boots. Nothing personal, but back to the store you go. 

The money I originally spent on those beauties is now in the form of a Whole Foods gift card on it's way to Georgia. Helping others is what truly makes my heart happy; there are no material items in this world that could trump that. 

Stranger Danger: A Game of 20 Questions

My daughter attended a birthday party last night and instead of going home, twiddling my thumbs, counting down the time until I had to retrieve her, I decided to visit my lovely friend and peer coach at her brewpub. She was working so we had a few moments to chat here and there but for the most part I was sitting alone at the bar, which tends to elicit very interesting, usually unwanted, attention.

The couple sitting directly to my right were married and seemed good natured as they offered to move down a seat to give us more room, which wasn't necessary. After that I tried to ignore their conversation because it was so incredibly dull I'd rather watch paint dry. Then the alcohol must have kicked in because that girl became extremely obnoxious, giving the bartender a hard time for not drinking. "You're Irish and a bartender, you should be drunk all the time!" she stammered. He explained that got him into trouble and he's now completely sober, assuring her he still enjoys life and doesn't miss it. "I want to believe you, but I don't. I don't even know what I'll do when I get pregnant. I can't NOT drink. I mean, shit. That would ruin my life." Wow. Don't have kids, ever, please. The husband is now trying to hush her but she manages a by-the-way-you're-so-hot-all-these-ladies-at-the-bar-are-gonna-drop-their-panties-for-you before he can get the cup out of her hand and push her away from the bar, apologizing to the bartender.

The bartender asks me if they were friends of mine. I couldn't help the, "HELL NO!" that escaped my lips.  I didn't want to be associated with that drama. He asked why I felt that way but I didn't really fell like getting into a discussion about it so I simply shook my head and said, "No thanks." The look I got in return was almost in disgust, as if I was acting like a total snob. It caught me off guard. Was I being too judgmental? My thought processes was interrupted by a tap on my left shoulder.

Two older gentlemen, I'm guessing late 50s, wanted to know if they could ask a question. If they were to give it a go, who would I chose? I told them I wasn't interested in playing this game and went back to nursing my drink, nibbling on some veggies and hummus. "Oh, come on. We're grown men, you won't hurt our feelings or anything. We're just curious!" I tried copping out again but they insisted so I finally said, "Neither. I wouldn't give either of you the time of day." Ahh! I can't believe I just said that! While I was telling the truth, I still don't like to hurt peoples feelings. I felt so mean. Fortunately they laughed it off and asked if I'd be willing to play the game 20 questions with them. Realizing they were not about to leave me alone, I rolled my eyes and obliged.

I was to guess their professions and was granted 20 yes or no questions as hints. Well, I didn't need any. After eyeing them up for about a minute; observing their hands, clothing, demeanor and terrible poker faces; I guessed the one standing was in education, either sales (like a college recruiter) or actually teaching, and the one sitting worked with housing but was most likely supervising and he kayaked for fun. Their jaws dropped. The first was a grade school teacher and the other owned his own home security systems company and rows with his friend every week. I'm generally pretty good at reading people, though a couple have stumped me recently so it was nice to know I haven't lost that ability completely.

Now it was two against one, they had to guess what I did for a living. HA! I was actually pretty flattered by their responses. At first I was a designer working in an architecture firm, a curator at a museum, a yoga instructor, then I was human resources for a large corporation. They speculated I had either two masters degrees and/or PhD so I must be a psychiatrist. Nope, nope, nope. But I liked that I had given off that impression.

This process truly fascinated me, especially the questions they would ask as hints. What does studying on the East versus West coast mean to people? Or if I have kids and how old they are? There's a good chance they were just being nosy, but it was thought provoking nonetheless. If I had shown up wearing something else their opinions would most definitely be different, I even used that factor to draw conclusions. What if I didn't have to pick my daughter up, had a few more drinks and was acting silly? Would I have been viewed like that obnoxious girl from earlier in the night? Why do I care?

I certainly won't lose any sleep over the opinions of people I'll never see again, but it did make me wonder about a few of my closest friends. How have their feelings of/for me changed from when we first met to now? What are my sentiments of them? I'd love to better understand the psychology and sociology behind it.

Snovember In The City of Good Neighbors

Unless you've been living under a rock I'm sure you've heard Buffalo is taking a beating right now. A few of my family members are in the epicenter, buried under 7+ feet of snow with drifts around 15 feet (that was last night’s count). This current band is bringing thunder and lightning, and expected to dump another two to three feet by tomorrow. 

My grandmother assured me she was fine when it began two days ago, as long as the electric didn't go out. Last night was a different story. Besides her land line telephone, Nana's only connection to the outside world at the moment is her TV. She had hoped to pass the time by watching her favorite shows like Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune while crocheting afghans for her great-grandchildren. However, the news coverage of this state of emergency has taken over every station there, hyped up the devastation, and has my grandmother scared out of her mind. Thanks, media!

Just down the street from her, roofs are collapsing, and doors and windows are busting in. One of the GIANT pine trees in her backyard succumbed to the weight of the snow yesterday, luckily in the opposite direction of her house. But there are still six more, just as heavily burdened, trembling and swaying, which could collapse at any moment. She was in tears begging me to come pick her up (not possible), though I did get a small chuckle when I regretfully informed her my go-go gadget blizzard mobile was out of service at the moment but to try back tomorrow.

It's been interesting seeing the Facebook posts from my friends, both photographs and videos. They now all seem to be keeping track of their days like Star Trek's captains logs: 

"Day 3, feels like day 33. Hopefully we see some plow action and driving ban lifted soon! Cabin fever is setting in but on a positive note this storm is keeping us all in one place without having to go anywhere or having to do anything (which is a rarity for us, always on the go)." 

"Day 3 of ‪#‎snovember. Dave hunted for an elderly neighbor's phone # and called to check on her. I <3 him. Today...we put up the tree and make more snowflakes out of coffee filters. I'm also feeling a deep clean of the kitchen coming on since I did most of the basement yesterday "

"Day 3: The driving ban needs to be lifted so my new twin nieces can come home from the hospital. Can't wait to cuddle them!"

"❄❄ Whoo hoo snow day number 3 in Williamsville !! ❄❄"

But this, THIS drives me fucking insane:

"Ok...I just want to scream! Get me out of this house!!! Toilet paper is gone, milk expired yesterday, missed my 10am hair appointment that's been booked for weeks, sick of cooking, I'm dying for a Starbucks caramel brûlée latte...I think that might cover it all?"

There have been actual fatalities and all you can say is that you're bored, have gray hair and want a latte?? Fuck you! 

Also, the Bills are trying to hire people to shovel the stadium for $10/hr plus game tickets because they're supposed to play Sunday. How about financing the snow removal from roads so emergency vehicles can get through? Or dig elderly people out from their houses? How many billions of dollars have they poured into your pockets the last 55 years? Cancelling one game isn't going to make or break your business. Ridiculous.

I'm supposed to be travelling up that way next week for Thanksgiving, let's see what future weather reports hold.