I Watched Porn At Work Today

SOMEBODY introduced me to tumblr today by texting some sexy time gifs. How did I not know about this already!? And why when I say I'm going to cut down on screen time do I find something that pulls me further down the rabbit hole?

You know when you come home really late after drinking, the quieter you want to be, the louder you are? All your actions become over-the-top theatrical, hands are flailing everywhere. You startle easily and speak louder and faster than ever. Same goes for watching porn at work. This is how my day went:

Doc pokes his head in my... office (c'mon now)... to ask a question, I damn near have a heart attack and throw my cell phone into my bag with such force it bounced back out. I managed a, "Hmm.. what? Yeah, ok!" He asked if I heard anything he said - nope. Strike one.

My work phone is ringing but that last threesome is lingering on my mind, what do I do? How does this work?? Oh, right, "hello?" ENHHHH! Wrong greeting AND I got called out on it. Also, I'm so horny at this point I probably sound like a phone sex operator. Strike two.

Doc: Are you working on that funnel stat spreadsheet?
Me: Uh huh, yup. (I'm actually watching this hot guy being led into the massage room directly across from me while scrolling through lesbian action on this tumblr app. Would it be a welcomed surprise or very unprofessional if I popped in there real quick? Do guys ever turn down sex?)
Doc: No, you're not. It's a shared file and you're not even in there.
Me: Huh? Oh, THAT one... no, I was doing the averages first.
Doc: Why?
Me: You gave me so many supplements I can't even think straight. Hey, is that a new tie? (Insert ridiculously big cheesy smile here.)
Doc: ...
Me: Give me five minutes.
Strike three, I'm so out of here if he finds outttttt.

Must. Not. Check. Text. Messages.

Ok, just one more.

Mmhmm, that's nice. I wonder... aaaaand now I'm sucked in again.

Doc: When's my next scheduled call with Brandon?
Me: Thoosday (I was just about to have a When Harry Met Sally moment, dammit, leave me alone!)
Doc: Was that Thursday or Tuesday?
Me: A week from today.
Doc: Seriously, what's wrong with you?
Me: I think it's you. You're weird today.
Doc: You're lucky I like you.
Me: Roger that. Happy Veteran's Day, boss! (Then I salute him, he totally eats that shit up.) (PS - he's an ex Navy SEAL so that was totally relevant.)

Moral of this story (for me anyway): Unless you're able to "work things out," whether it's on your own or with a friend, save the sexual tension for home or wherever your happy place may be. Being unemployed is not fun.

Alternatively, there's no need for the space heater now. I'm a sweaty mess.