I've been attracted to women since I was fairly young, roughly 12 years of age. There have been a few kissing experiences, I was a regular at the strip clubs two separate periods in my life, and had strong feelings for one girl in particular that made me question my sexual orientation. After my most recent break up, I contemplated exploring this a bit more just to be sure.
It wasn't until a recent phone conversation with a dear friend that I truly understood my own feelings regarding women, even though we've talked about this before and I didn't see it. He joked about me "coming out" and recounted an embarrassing, yet hilarious (I still can't stop laughing), story during which he said something to the effect of, "...she was being murdered by an elephant sized cock." These might sound completely unrelated and inconsequential, but something in my brain clicked. I've been thinking about this non-stop since that initial observation. I am a total pig when it comes to views on women; a quasi-misogynist. I've mostly considered myself this hippie-ish, love and have compassion and empathy for all feminist, but this ugliness has been there underneath all along. It manifested in so many different ways I didn't recognize it. It's like I've tried to bury it, hoping to keep this alarming truth from myself.
During/after this last horrific relationship, all women were a threat, even friends. For the longest time I blamed all the women my ex cheated on me with and not him. I still do a tiny bit. When we were together the only way I could climax was to fantasize about him aggressively fucking these other girls, seriously injuring them. Watching porn it's usually the same; inexperienced diminutive chicks being hurt or taken advantage of or treated like playthings by brawny older men.
It's rare that I forge friendships with other women. I've always gotten along better with guys and it's been that way as far back as I can remember. If you're not on my extremely short list of exemptions, I've most likely secretly objectified and/or judged you. I don't trust women. I hate the pettiness, cattiness and games. It disgusts me when they take on traditional roles to conform, blindly or purposely, or when they play the victim. Sometimes it's aggravating just trying to have a conversation with them as I generally can't relate. Whatever this valley girl/basic bitch shit is, it needs to stop now; it's not fucking cute, you sound like a moron.
"Them." "They." It's arrogant and hypocritical of me to say such things. I'm a woman, too! I'm strong, capable and independent which sets me apart from a portion of other women, but I'm certainly not the only one of my kind, nor am I in an elite bracket. In fact, I've been in almost every one of those scenarios I despise at some point or another in my life. I'm also highly sensitive and emotional which could be deemed typical, unfavorable female traits. Perhaps this appalling mindset is simply a reflection of my own weaknesses in addition to some traumatic life experiences and residual, misdirected anger. Whatever the case, this brutal honesty is troublesome and needs to be addressed. I'm really not an evil, hateful person.
So to answer my own question, and enlighten those who have been curious, I'm not a lesbian. I appreciate art and beauty, including the female form (and I'm not saying I'm opposed to having a sexual encounter with a woman at some point), but I will not be switching teams.
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